Love Never Leaves

A really short thought today….

Love never leaves. Once loved by a mother/father or son/daughter or spouse, the love they gave will never leave. We carry it in our hearts and our memories even if they are gone. We come into this world not knowing much. Our mothers and fathers teach us about unconditional love. We often rebel as children away from our parents thinking they don’t know much. They don’t have to know much. The only exercise is in how to express love and how to reflect love back. Then we marry and hopefully we use what we learned as children in our marriages or partnerships. If we have children we often become the picture of the parental love we were shown. A short but truthful God Given passage on love…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Our family didn’t verbalize loving phrases but demonstrated love to one another in the care, wisdom and smiles we gave to one another. My husband, when joining our family said “wow, you guys don’t kiss, or hug or say I love you much or ever do you?” No, dear man, we don’t. But we love nonetheless.

In a friendly sort of way

Today is staring in a friendly, kind sort of way with the white fluffy’s falling innocently, quietly and comfortably. We haven’t had much snow this year and the storm overhead right now is here but not intrusive as we had on saturday. Today it is snowing but not violently. It’s the kind of day you want to stay home and make soup.

Today is mom’s first chemo day. Another storm overhead for her and our family. The day arrived in the same manner, unobtrusive, quietly almost as if to say “come on this won’t hurt a bit” I pray it doesn’t. They tell us it will take 3 weeks to start losing hair and all mom could say was “good thing I’m not vain”. She has stocked her extra bedroom with hats and we’ve promised to look at wigs for her. It’s too cold for an 89 year old lady to run around with her head stark nekkid.

As I sit here and contemplate what we are about to embark on, what she is about to endure I can feel my teeth begin to chatter. My family probably isn’t much different than many; full of love, hope and prayer for our loved mom.

Tip of a Lifetime

So, tomorrow is the day. Mom gets a class in how to endure chemo. Wow. That’s one class I hope I wished she did not have to take. My mother’s philosophy is just as she is… strong. Today her words were….

“I don’t have time to cry. I could cry, but that is just too time consuming. I need to make each moment count. No time for that. I have time to get you all used to this and to tie up any loose ends. I’m happy to have time.”

Wow… All I can say is a big wow. She really is teaching us.

Snow, Wind and Photos

It’s almost March. I get indignant when we get a late snow storm; it’s obscene. Yesterday we had such a storm. It’s just mother nature but I say “rude” all the same.

I am sure I don’t want to retire where there is snow. Most people say they like snow on Christmas morning, or they like it as a reminder of the 4 seasons. I can honestly say there isn’t anything I like about it.

Today is picture day. I was to take pictures yesterday of my mother; but it snowed therefore I didn’t haul all my gear over. I opted to change the date and time to today in the hopes the snow would let up and it has. We are taking a 5th gen picture of mom and my nieces grandchildren. My mom is dreading it. I told her I would be quick; in and out and in total control. I told her she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to but she said she would… and would hate it nonetheless.
Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.
Karl Barth

We Morph

How we start out isn’t how we end up. Yeah, that is a given. Looking back two years I see in my photos all my people shots look like plastic. They are over processed, blurred out with glamour glow and look, well terrible. I can remember at the time thinking Wow, I’m good. Well folks I was mistaken. I still shudder to say I’m an artist as that seems awfully presumptuous. I have evolved enough to know whatever it is I create, I create for me.

I came across a quote today that simply reads “Imagination is a window to the soul”. And it really is. The images I create have to be pleasing to me. Really, in the end isn’t that all that matters?

Of course, we all want to be accepted and validated. That is the main purpose of Flickr? Red Bubble? and other social photo sites? In the end, it’s about how what we created made us feel. Did we grow? Were we challenged? It’s all in how the soul evolves along with the art we create.

A Birthday, Moving Day, Surgery Day, Splendid Day

I could just rattle off much of the negative thoughts I have about what a crammed packed day it was. My 30 year old son’s birthday, his moving day, mom’s power port insertion day…. boxes, dirt, vacuuming, running …. all of it.

I’m going to choose to say no to that and state openly in public it was a splendid day. My day was splendid because I was able to see my mom and dad through a difficult but necessary appointment today to get her power port installed right there on the right side of her chest. I’m going to say it was splendid because the freeway was lightly traveled when we drive to the hospital. It’s a good day when you are upright, spending it with those you love even in the most difficult of times. Mom got her port and the hospital was on time and pleasant and they had really good crispy bacon for breakfast.

I rose out of bed after a somewhat restless nights sleep at 3:30 am. I can only imagine the sleeplessness my folks are putting up with right now. I had plenty of time to drink coffee and relax before leaving. I have lost a size and that’s always good news. Mom is so brave… yes, brave. She makes statements about how lucky she is to have her mind and faculties. She tries to embrace what God has given to her at this time.

Her Dr. was a funny young man..really young and joked when she asked if he had done this before.. he replied “yes, twice”. I think she believed him. He then told her he does this all the time.. many times over each week.

I drove them the 20 miles back to home and left them tired but in good spirits. onward!!!

Off to move the kiddo. Wow, I really hate moving. We are almost done helping him though and it’s not looking too bad. His new place has a beautiful view of the hills and mountains and (three flights of stairs though) and all of his furniture fit! Booya!

The day is closing and I thank our Lord for allowing us this day full of family, love and mayhem.

How

My mom is amazing. Facing a short sentence for her life at this point, how is it she is so strong. Is she teaching us how it should be? Or is she resigned this is something she has no control over? Last week there were moments than not where I was unable to breath. I would innocently open my mouth to talk and would just break down as if I too, had no control over even my own ability to speak.

Her twin passed early when he was in his 60’s. She seems to believe it is he who is telling her from heaven, it’s time. Is that possible? Perhaps. I believe he might be the messenger but only God knows.

The Black Corners of my Mind

Where is my mind these days. My mother who is 89 years old, was disagnosed with cancer about a week ago. What a horrible thing to have to share with the brother and the sisters. I never knew what it felt like to have my “soul” hurt.

The doctor, young, tall and eager trotted in and as matter of fact as could be, announces “You have Cancer”. I’m not sure what he said after that, as all the blood had rushed my my head certainly to nourish my faint heart. My dad, white, gray ashen… had a look of disbelief. My mother said oh ok. My dad and I, sitting in an emergency room treatment room, were shocked. You could hear a pin drop. Never have I experienced a moment as dark as this very moment.

They kept her.. room on the 10th floor. What luck; we get a nazi nurse within 30 minutes of hearing the words “you have cancer”, as if it were a reward or everyday occurance. You know, like “attention! will the owner of the 2011 Red Honda please report to the security podium,” ya, just like that. How we made it to her room I don’t know; what I did know was we had a nurse who was NOT “all that”.

I stayed overnight. There was no way to allow someone who didn’t seem to have an ounce of sympahty, empathy or any other apthy words in her, care for MY mother….and she didn’t from that moment on. We had excellent nurses for the rest of the week and Ms. Nurse Klink did not dare enter the room. I promised my dad the first night “I will behave” but each night after that the promise was off. If she had entered I could have been arrested.